Why I'd Never Cheat On My Wife!

 

I'm 100% Satisfied with My Sex Life

I don’t want to cross the TMI line here, but let me just say, daddy is very happy.

My Wife Deserves Better

can speak for most men who fall deeply in love and tell you that when it happens, your desire to protect surges. How can I protect and shield my beloved from pain? becomes a key fiber in your existence. I’m so methodical about this, when my wife and I watch TV, I deliberately turn the channel when those ASPCA commercials come on, otherwise, I know she’s going to start crying. I fully embrace my role as protector, so how could I deliberately wound her? She deserves better. 

 

 

The Haters Would Win

As more and more folks follow my work (which I continue to be humbled by), I’ve noticed the pool of haters forming — one even sent me a message saying that they look forward to the day when I get caught up in a “Tiger-like-incident.” Well, I have news for all my haters: You’re going to be waiting, and waiting, and waiting, because this guy doesn’t cheat.

I Refuse to Disrepect My Parents & Grandparents

I have three living grandparents, all over 88. They, as well as my parents, sacrificed too much for me to dishonor their legacy or our family name. Family means everything to me, and I wear my last name, in particular, very proudly.

 

Wedding Vows Mean Something to Me

My mother truly etched this in my mind. I remember when I was a little boy, listening to her and my father argue, and asking if they would divorce. She would look back with a smile and say, “Our wedding vows were a promise made before the Lord. I don’t plan to break any promises I make before the Lord.” Now granted, my parents had verbal spats not WWF sessions, so I can see instances where divorce is a recourse, but the point my mother’s story drives at is about hearing and accepting those very powerful words in your wedding vow: “Do you promise to love, comfort, honor and keep them for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, be faithful only to them so long as you both shall live?”

  

I'd Never Step Out on Her

I’ve had enough with all the talk about why men and women cheat. Every time a celebrity gets caught cheating on their spouse the media rolls out all the “experts” to tell us the drivers behind why we men cheat. Most of the conversation is tongue-in-cheek with an undertone, especially for men, that implies that “everyone does it.” Well, Breaking News Update: Everyone does not cheat! As a matter of fact, based on all the research I can get my hands on, the overwhelming majority of data states that “most” of us (men and women in committed relationships) do not cheat.


Now that we have that out of the way, can we please put an end to the countless excuses and reasoning for those that do cheat? I mean, are Tiger and Arnold really “psychological sex addicts” or are they simply irresponsible and immature guys? I have a very simple theory when it comes to cheating: Those who do, haven’t grown up yet, point blank, period. Ladies who cheat are not real women and fellas who cheat are not real men. Cheating is a distinguishing line between the men and boys and the women and girls — one group understands, accepts, and takes responsibility, the other doesn’t. If I were able to spend some more time with the guy I was in the conversation with at my event, I would have gone into more detail to spell out to him the responsibility that real men and women undertake when in a committed relationship. I would have given him the eight reasons I don’t cheat on my wife.

How to make your man horny and reach climax!

You may think that you know everything about turning him on. He’s your man, right? But let’s talk about how to wake up interests that he doesn’t know he has.

Whether you have been with your man for two months or ten years it’s easy to get distracted. We often like our dudes tough and manly but we forget that they are just as vulnerable, sensitive and insecure as we are.  If we want a man to be the total package we have to be the total package too. 

Be a Tease

Once you get to know each other’s bodies sex can become routine. Mix it up by slowing everything down. Bring back kissing and touching. You’ll be teasing yourself too but once you get going it will be explosive.

Indulge in An Adult Movie

Think erotica. Say, “Baby, I’m curious about watching something sexy with you.” Go for sensual storylines or lush erotic scenes. You don’t have to pick something hardcore unless that’s what you’re into.

Say His Name, Say His Name

We all love the sound of our own names. Using his name often and lovingly is one of the simplest ways to deepen an intimate connection.

Think Outside the Box

Your sex life should be more than horizontal and in your bedroom. If there is always something you’ve been telling him no about, consider a yes.
Say you’re out to dinner with a group. When he goes to the restroom excuse yourself too. Pull him into a clean, private bathroom and pucker up.

Have an All About Him Day

Treat him like it’s his birthday today. Take him on an overnight getaway or just stay home and watch all his favorite movies or games. Give him a sexy spa pedicure, cook his favorite meal and wrap it up with good loving.

Play Word Games

If you’re his favorite good girl curl his toes with naughty pillow talk. If you usually have a lot to say see how he reacts if you bring Miss Prissy Prim and Proper to bed.

How to Love Again!

Decide Love Is Worth the Risk

The fear of loving again and losing again is a real risk. However, can you afford to keep your heart closed?

 Free Yourself

You can’t love again until you heal the pain that your lost love inflicted. Grieve, and as you do, you will become more emotionally healthy.

Consider a Therapist

Therapy saves and changes lives, period. If you are having a particularly hard time with the grieving process, a good therapist can guide you through. Feel free to contact me for therapist referrals anytime

 

Recognize That You Thrive From Love

Loving others is critical to our human existence. It is important to understand that without love, life will never feel full.

Accept Who You Are

Accepting all parts of you gives you ownership of your journey and the power to decide what stays, what goes, and what can evolve.

Surrender the Old You

Identify the emotional obstacles in your present life and commit to remove them. Appreciate your past but rejoice in the possibilities of the future.

Know the Type of Love You Want

Think about your next relationship. Set a standard for what you are seeking and what you will not accept.

Open Yourself to the Possibilities

Remain open to new possibilities and you will become a magnet for greater opportunities.

Ease Into New Relationships Slowly

It is impossible to replace your lost love. Instead, allow new love to grow and blossom in its own way (on its own time).

CDC Says New Pill Could Prevent HIV Transmission!

Results from recent CDC studies done in South Africa reveal progress on a daily pill that could one day shield against HIV infection, reports the AP.

Two studies were completed, the first involved testing more than 1,200 women and men from South Africa. Half of those involved received a once daily dose of Truvada, an HIV treatment made by Gilead Sciences, Inc. A placebo was given to the remaining half. Researchers found that the real drug lowered the risk of infection by close to 78 percent.

An analysis of people who were believed to be regularly taking the pills found four of those on Truvada became infected with HIV, compared with 19 on the dummy pill. That means the real drug lowered the risk of infection by roughly 78%, researchers said.

A second study done at the University of Washington involved 4,700 heterosexual couples from Uganda and Kenya, in which one member of the pair was HIV positive. Those without the virus were told to take either daily placebos, Truvada pills, or another Gilead treatment called Viread. The medicine proved to reduce the risk of infection by 62 percent, researchers say.

“This is good news. This is a good day for HIV prevention," said Dr. Lynn Paxton of the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, who has coordinated the agency's research into HIV prevention.

Do you think there will be a revolutionary drug to prevent HIV made widely available in your lifetime?

Our Teens' Secret Sex Lives!

Jasmine is sitting on the green metal stairs behind her suburban school, watching clusters of students cut through the teachers' parking lot on their way home. Jasmine, slim and barely 5 feet tall, fiddles with the strap of her book bag and lets out a sigh. "She just doesn't understand," she says, talking about her mother. What has the 14-year-old eighth grader so frustrated is the way her mom keeps telling her not to have sex.

"My mother talks about the three-month rule," she says, "about how you aren't supposed to let a boy kiss you for three months." Jasmine throws up her hands in exasperation. "At my school, we don't even go out with a boy that long." What Jasmine wants from her mother is a real conversation about the nitty-gritty of what to do when a boy gets you alone. She wants to talk about the way boys are so insistent and impatient and wanting things from her that she gives them and then later regrets.

"Boys...," she begins, searching for words. "They're in a rush. It's like they see all these nasty things on TV, and that's how they are learning what to do. When you are with them, it's like they're ready for war. They don't even care how you feel." Then Jasmine, who is dressed in a Hello Kitty T-shirt and pink glitter high tops, describes in vivid detail the make-out sessions that resemble tussling matches that go down in the basements, living rooms and bedrooms of her friends' houses when their parents are at work. "My mother doesn't know about any of that," she says.

Yet by most accounts, Jasmine's mother is doing everything right. She's warned her daughter about sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and pregnancy, and she's even told Jasmine that when the time comes she'll take her to the doctor and get her birth control. Still, Jasmine says, "When my mother talks to me about sex, I don't really pay attention. It's awkward."

Of course, every generation has experienced the chasm of mis-communication that suddenly opens up around the time a child reaches adolescence. Children who previously turned to parents for comfort and advice now greet their counsel with groans and barely disguised eye rolling. But while this might be part of the natural ebb and flow of parent–child relationships, these days parents face more challenges than ever in connecting with their kids. Many teens live a secret life, communicating in a cryptic language of acronyms and emoticons, using devices they shove in their pockets. They live online on Facebook, Tumblr and Twitter, with instant messages and video chats and Internet searches that all disappear with a click of their mouse the minute they hear your footsteps down the hall. But if technology has widened the divide between adults and children, then we need to find new ways to steer them through the abyss. The old ways don't seem to be working.

According to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, one in two African-American girls will become pregnant before she reaches 20, nearly twice the national average. And research shows that pregnancy and parenthood are leading causes of school dropout. African-American teenagers are also contracting HIV and other STIs at disproportionately high rates. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that among 13-to-24-year-olds, African-Americans account for 55 percent of new HIV cases, while nearly half of all Black girls between 14 and 19 are infected with at least one STI, such as chlamydia, herpes or the human papilloma virus. (The rate is one in five for White girls.) And these statistics say nothing of the psychological trauma—the depression, regret and loss of self-esteem experts say teens may experience as a result of early sexual behavior. In an age when every bad decision can be digitally immortalized, reputations can be ruined before a child even finishes middle school.

Children like Jasmine may shrug off their mothers' advice, but the fact is, parents have the potential for enormous influence. "For the past decade and a half that we've been surveying teens," says Marisa Nightingale, senior adviser at the National Campaign, "they have consistently told us that parents are the number one influence on their decisions about sex." This year ESSENCE joined forces with the National Campaign for an unprecedented study, Under Pressure: What African-American Teens Aren't Telling You About Sex, Love and Relationships. The good news is, Black teens do trust their parents as authorities on sex and love: Almost 50 percent wish their parents would talk to them more about how to have a good relationship. The bad news is, more than 60 percent of the 1,500 kids surveyed feel the conversations they've had with their parents aren't helpful.

Experts say the challenge for many African-Americans isn't that we aren't talking, it's that many of us are having the wrong kinds of conversations. "Parents tend to focus on pregnancy prevention in order to keep children on track to fulfill the hopes and dreams they have for them," says Vickie Mays, professor of psychology and health services at UCLA and an expert on race and sexual behavior. "But if you want to prevent pregnancy, the conversations can't just be 'Don't, don't, don't.' We need to talk to children about what they're doing, how they're feeling, what they're thinking about." And we need to get up to speed. "Parents are talking to their kids about sex like it's still the 1980's," says Johanna Wright, a health educator and girl's basketball coach at a New Jersey middle school. "With technology it's a whole new world now, and parents need to get with the program because their children's lives are at stake."

But how can we better reach our kids? According to the dozens of teens interviewed for this story, if you want to get through to your child, you need to know what they're really dealing with. And there is no better place to start the adult education than where children first grapple with issues of love and sex: Welcome to middle school.

HALL PASS

One third of Black girls think boys want them only for sex.† Marcy and Madison are perched on the last bench in the yellow-tiled girls' locker room of their middle school. Their conversation is punctuated by the dull thud of a basketball echoing in the gym next door. On a nearby wall hangs a poster telling students that determination is the key to success. Beside it, someone has scrawled, "Kendra is a ho."

Marcy and Madison, both 13, talk quickly and over each other. When they both say the exact same thing at the exact same time, they pause and yell "Psyche!" then pick up right where they left off. They are talking about boys and sharing, with much eye rolling, the things they've heard boys say.

"I love you, I'll never leave you," says Marcy. "If you do this, I won't tell anyone," adds Madison. "Why do you want to wait? I've been waiting soooo long.... I'll coach you through.... Just do this and we'll be cool.... I'll stop if you want me to."

The friends say sometimes the boys at their middle school—who for the most part live in comfortable homes with professional parents—confront girls with graphic sexual requests and rumors designed to embarrass. "They'll say, 'I heard you swallow,' or they'll make gagging noises," says Marcy. And sometimes, even though the school has a code of behavior that forbids sexual harassment, the boys get physical, flicking the girls' breasts in the hallway between classes. The girls don't report these incidents to their teachers because that will get them labeled "snitch" or "narc," which would make school impossible.

The touching and the talk are bad enough, say the girls. But worse are the mind games. Marcy says her older brother warned her this would happen. And now that she's in eighth grade she's seeing it for herself. "A guy will want to be with a girl, so he'll have his friends go up to her and just insult her, insult her, insult her, telling her she's ugly, her breasts are lopsided, she has stretch marks, nappy hair, she's fat, whatever you can think of," she says. "Then, when she's feeling really weak and insecure, the guy will come up behind her and tell her, 'I think you're beautiful.' Suddenly, he looks like Prince Charming."

"If you're crying, it's even better," adds Madison. "Then he'll ask you if you want to hang out and talk about it."

Once a boy wins a girl's trust, he'll start campaigning for sexual favors. "And some boys tell everybody you did something even when you didn't," says Marcy. "Or they'll take a picture of you doing something sexual and put it on Facebook. Sometimes I feel as if I'm in the Revolutionary War. Everyone is fighting over who has control."

Even so, these friends note there are girls at school who seem to court the attention, wearing lacy push-up bras that peek out from their tops. "Girls will tote a Victoria's Secret bag as a signal to the boys that they are thinking about sex," says Madison. Some parents are unwitting accomplices: They drop their daughters off at the mall, not realizing the girls are using their credit cards to purchase lingerie.

Loretta Sweet Jemmott is the director of the Center for Health Equity Research at the University of Pennsylvania's School of Nursing and a national expert in abstinence education and research. She says that what these girls are describing is happening in schools across the country. "You send your child to a good school and they're getting good grades and you think everything is fine, but between classes kids are doing things that would blow your mind," says Jemmott. "Children are dealing with enormous pressure to engage in all kinds of sexual activity, no matter the age, color, creed, education or income level of the parents. Children need their parents to help them through this."

Jemmott says the first step is to create an open dialogue with your teen so he or she will tell you what's going on. Begin by asking the right kinds of questions. "We want to stay away from what we call close-ended questions," she explains. "So it's not, 'How was school?' Instead you want to ask open-ended questions like, 'Tell me about your day. How are you feeling?' You want to listen before you start telling them what to do. Your first goal is to let your child know that you are approachable."

THE TROUBLE WITH TV

Johanna Wright, the health teacher from New Jersey, is the kind of educator every parent wants for her child. She's informed, unflappable and able to disarm even the most unruly child with a raised eyebrow and a well-timed joke. Although she's been teaching for 38 years, she has remained plugged in to the music, slang and gossip that rule her students' lives, which means she's often the first person they turn to when in trouble. And she has heard everything.

"What parents don't understand is these kids are experimenting with things in middle school that their parents did when they were in college," she says. Over the years Wright has counseled students who have contracted a startling range of STIs, including gonorrhea of the throat, as well as children who were caught performing oral sex in empty classrooms while other students watched. "Kids are seeing these things on TV and the Internet and they are acting them out," she explains. "We are experiencing a sexual revolution and it's only getting worse."

For decades educators and academics have blamed popular culture for negatively impacting kids, and these days consumption is at an all-time high. A 2010 study by the Kaiser Family Foundation found that African-American children between 8 and 18 spend nearly six hours a day in front of the television, compared with three and a half hours spent by their White counterparts. But while Black teens may watch more hours of programming, they also complain that the images they are seeing of themselves are rarely positive. More than 70 percent of teens who responded to our survey said that Black youth are often portrayed as players or sexually aggressive and irresponsible in romantic relationships. Only 32 percent said they were portrayed as smart. And many of the musicians teens idolize suggest that a woman's worth lies in her sex appeal. Almost two decades ago Mary J. Blige topped the charts wearing boots and a baseball cap. Today's female artists dress in little more than a bodysuit and dance like strippers on the pole.

Experts on the front lines of the fight against teen pregnancy suggest that in addition to limiting the amount of time kids spend in front of the television, parents also take a seat beside their child and discuss what they're watching. "If you are viewing a show about a woman who is oversexualized, you can ask your child what he or she thinks about the way the woman is being portrayed or how she is handling the attention," says Nightingale from the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy. "It's a great opportunity to engage your child in a conversation about what they think and also about your own values."

Talking about MTV's Teen Mom may be the easy part. Some parents are finding their children are watching much more graphic content: the hard-core pornography that's available free of charge to anyone with Internet access. More than 40 percent of the teens surveyed say they have gone online to view pornography; 42 percent say they've been shown online porn by a friend. When Joan Smalls* discovered her 14-year-old son had been watching sexually explicit videos on his iPod, she was shocked by the images. "I had to talk to my friends and process it before I talked to my son," she says. "Then my husband and I told our son that we didn't think this was appropriate at his age." After the family talk, Smalls cut off her son's Internet access.

But controlling a child's access to the Web is a battle most parents are unlikely to win. Teens can log on at the library, at their friends' houses or on a borrowed phone and view scenes of every possible sexual scenario, including scenes of violence and extreme degradation. UCLA psychology professor Mays cautions some teens aren't using the images only for stimulation; they are treating porn as instructional videos for how to have sex. "For some children, these images are setting the norm," says Mays. "So the boys might be thinking, Good sex is when you slap her and pull her hair. The boys are under pressure to reenact what they are seeing, and the girls are experiencing this at a time when they are just developing. They may begin to believe this is how they should be treated."

Karl Potter, an Atlanta father of a 15-year-old boy, points out that porn often features adults having sex without condoms. "Kids don't know these people are getting tested for HIV weekly. and the women are on birth control," he says. " And the fantasy where the girl agrees to anything is not real either. You have to ask girls if it's okay before you try something. And if they say no, that's it. When I speak to my son, I'll say, 'Porn is like basketball and you are watching the All Stars. You don't need to be trying all that. You need to just practice your layups, and your layup right now is kissing. Just practice that.'

"Whether or not a child is viewing porn, parents still have to contend with the sexual curiosity and raging hormones that are a normal part of adolescence. How can we guide our teens to deal with those impulses in age-appropriate ways? Carlos Salguero is a middle school physical education and health teacher. He suggests parents speak to their boys candidly about masturbation. "It's a release," he says. "Anything that can help a boy delay that first sexual experience with a girl is important because after that he's not focused on education. He will spend all day strategizing about how he can get with that girl again. I've seen it happen."

Johanna Wright agrees that parents should be aware that teens are wrestling with their first surges of desire. "We need to talk to kids about that tingly feeling they get when their hands touch," says Wright. "Kids don't know what to do with those emotions. We have to talk to them about infatuation and love. Share with your child the feelings you had when you had a crush—that whole clammy-palms, heart-skips-a-beat feeling. Then the kid trusts you know what you're talking about."

BOYS TO MEN

Forty percent of Black teens have received, via e-mail or text, a nude or seminude photo. Omar and Isaiah are both tall and athletic and leaping toward manhood. At 13, they've both received plenty of warnings from their parents about not getting girls pregnant. But Omar, who has a mouth full of braces and short dread-locks that he twists absentmindedly, insists his mother has no idea what he's really up to. "She knows about the kissing," he says. "But she doesn't know about the touching and feeling and blow jobs. If I were to tell her, she'd just give me another lecture about the stuff I know already." Instead these boys seek advice from relatives barely older than themselves."My cousin who's 15 said I should get as much oral sex as I can," says Isaiah.

According to the boys, this isn't difficult. They say some girls at their middle school are very aggressive. "They text you naked pictures when you don't even ask for them," exclaims Isaiah. "Or they get real freaky on the phone," adds Omar. "They'll say stuff like, 'I'm naked; I wish you could take a shower with me.' " These boys are so used to such overtures that they've developed a studied nonchalance with which to respond. "After a girl gives you a blow job you have to act like you're not happy," says Omar. "That way she'll come back and to try to make it better."

Of course, not all boys are as sexually active as these two. But for teens who aren't, the pressure to live up to their peers can be enormous. Jason, 13, is known as "the smart one" in his clique of popular boys; he has a keen perspective on the sexual conduct of many of his classmates. "If a dude has something to prove, he might try to push a girl to do something she doesn't want to," he says. "Because if he's the only one of his friends who isn't messing with a girl, he'll be an outcast. Like, I was on Facebook and a guy posted that he wasn't ready for sex yet. All his friends called him gay." Howard Stevenson, associate professor in the Graduate School of Education at the University of Pennsylvania, says parents need to be cognizant of the pressure adolescent boys are under to appear masculine, and how traumatized they can be by premature sexual activity. Indeed, our study found that one in two African-American boys who has had sex regretted it after. "We need to provide other examples of manhood so boys can try to prove themselves in ways other than acting out sexually," says Stevenson. Parents can point out characteristics they deem valuable in a man—such as self-discipline, loyalty and integrity—and give their son opportunities to develop these traits. For some parents, having an open conversation about sex with their children is simply out of the question. It may conflict with their religious beliefs or raise difficult issues about their own pasts. That's understandable, says Mays. "But your children need answers and you can't leave them floundering. If you can't have the conversation yourself, ask someone you trust to substitute. Then you can tell your child, 'When I was growing up my parents never had these discussions with me. Let's have you talk to your aunt while I take a little time to figure this out.'"

Jemmott also reminds parents that some of the conversations that will help your teen delay sex are not directly about intimacy. They have to do with respect and self-esteem. "Girls need to be boosted up," she says. "We need to remind them that they are the prize. Tell your daughter, 'If a boy is not treating you right, you don't have to continue with him because you are valuable!' For boys, we need to remind them to treat girls the way they would want someone to treat their sisters or their mothers. We just have to bring it back to that."

CLOSING THE GAP

It's a sticky summer night and Jasmine is on the phone talking about her ex, the one to whom she lost her virginity months earlier. "He told me he loved me," she says, "and I thought it was going to last forever. But three months later we broke up. I felt so stupid."

This isn't the only time Jasmine has gotten carried away. "Even when you say you really don't want to do it, a boy will start touching you and maybe there's some nice sexy song playing and then he'll tell you you're a good kisser. It's just like a magical moment and it gets all crazy," she says. "Once that happens you just forget about how bad you didn't want to do it." This is what Jasmine really wants to talk to her mother about. She thinks if she could be more candid her mother might be able to answer her most pressing question. "I wish she would tell me how to say no," she says.

Of course, the idea of having a conversation about negotiating sexual boundaries with a child who hasn't yet reached high school is daunting to many parents. But there are some mothers who are finding a way to make this work. Jill Evans is an elementary school principal and mother of a 13-year-old girl. "When my daughter was 5 or 6, we would talk about how special her body was," she says. "I explained that no one has the right to touch her in a way that makes her uncomfortable." As her child grew older the conversations turned to reproduction and eventually to boys and crushes. "I was not judgmental," says Evans. "That's the way I would get the information." At times her daughter's questions have been so explicit they have caught Evans off guard. "But I don't dare say, 'That's grown-up talk.' I know if I don't answer, she's going to ask her friends and possibly get wrong information." Instead Evans praises her daughter for being brave enough to ask.

Recently Evans's daughter shared with her mother the details of her first kiss. "I asked her where the boys hands were," she recalls. "I told her it was very normal to like boys and have tingling sensations but kissing can lead to other things, and she needs to be prepared for that. We talked about what she plans to do if the boy tries to touch her breasts. I told her it was okay to tell him that he was moving too quickly. "As mothers we stretch ourselves all the time to do what's right for our children," Evans continues. "Now we need to stretch ourselves to become more comfortable talking about sex and sexuality. And if you can't do it, read books, call friends, do what you have to do to make it happen. Our children's safety depends on it."

Behaviors to Avoid If You're Looking for Love

Punishing the Messenger

The misguided need to attack the innocent who are usually only trying to help them.

Adding Too Much Value

This is the “something to prove person.” The overwhelming desire to add their 2 cents to every discussion.

Passing Judgement

The need to rate others and impose standards on them.  Unless their name is Jesus, this is not a becoming characteristic.

Starting with NO, BUT, HOWEVER

I strongly encourage not surrounding yourself with these types of people. The overuse of these negative qualifiers which
secretly say to everyone that I’m right and you’re wrong.

Starting with NO, BUT, HOWEVER

I strongly encourage not surrounding yourself with these types of people. The overuse of these negative qualifiers which
secretly say to everyone that I’m right and you’re wrong.

Failing to Give Proper Recognition

The inability to give praise and reward is just plain mean. Even Hitler handed out bonuses.

Refusing to Express Regret

The inability to take responsibility for their actions, admit they’re wrong, or recognize how their actions affect others. Think Dick Cheney.

Things to Know Before You Get Serious!

Recently, my cousin came to me for advice. She had been in a 3-month casual dating relationship and felt like it had the potential to become serious. When I started asking her questions to gauge if she was ready, I realized, that even though she had easily been on 20+ dates, talked on the phone for nearly 100 hours, and sent an endless number of text and Facebook messages to this guy, she knew nothing about what mattered for a long-term commitment. When you decide to enter a serious relationship with someone, it is a very important decision. Therefore, I suggest it be well thought out.

What is his STD status?

If you’re ready for a serious relationship then you’re ready to talk about serious topics, and STDs is without question one of them.

Where does he live?

Is that his crib, his boy’s, or his parents? You need to know!

Can you speak the same love language?

Knowing his love language and making sure he knows yours will ensure that you both know you are loved.

Does he prefer a joint or separate bank account?

Are you okay with his preference? Disputes over finances is the leading cause of breakups. Good communication upfront can alleviate issues down the road.

How does he act when times are bad?

When the going gets tough, do the tough get going? Does he become selfish or selfless?

What relationship does he have with his family?

The relationship he has with his family can be very telling. A good relationship with mom usually translates to increased respect for women.

Are you physically attracted to him?

Make sure you positively know you’re physically attracted to him before things get serious. Attraction rarely grows over time.

Will he be able to satisfy your libido and vice versa?

Not everyone is sexually compatible. #RealTalk

Does he want children?

This is a non-starter on everyone’s list. If you want children and he’s adamant that kids are not in his future, keep it moving.

What are his credit scores?

 

Credit scores determine access to many things in life. If yours and/or his are not up to par, develop a strategy to get on the right track.

Ways to Say I Love You

Break it Down

Don’t just say you love them; tell them why. Is it their smile? Their big heart? The way they laugh. Give compliments were compliments are due.

Speak With Love

You could call him a “jerk”, an “idiot”, or a pain in the you-know-what, or you could just tell him you “need a little time to cool down.” There is so much power in what we say to each other and it’s important to always speak with love.

Love the Ones They Love

Reach out and be there for their children, or parents, or siblings. If they’re an important part of your life then you’re going to what to know and appreciate the people who hold that title in their world – furry friends included.

Do The Unexpected

Is their birthday right around the corner? Maybe they’re celebrating a big promotion or just looking to blow off some stress – whatever the occasion, make it one they’ll always remember.

Take Something Off Their Plate

Throw out the garbage. Fold the laundry. Run out and get the oil changed. If you want to show them their happiness makes you smile take something off their plate. They’ll appreciate the help and the kindness you’ve shown them by putting their needs first.

Keep it Real

If you really love someone you’ll always be upfront and honest about what you feel – even when it’s not something they’ll likely want to hear. In the long run, being the person they can trust to give it to them straight is what counts. No phony business here!

Speak With Your Hands

If you softly touch their cheek or lightly caress their back when they’ve had a rough day you’re saying more than you realize. Arose their sense of touch and show them exactly how you feel.

Remember What They Say

When someone is speaking to you it’s easy to listen, but the question is, are you really hearing what they’ve said? Show them that your heart is in it by being an active listener and the person they can depend on to always be willing to lend an ear.

Open Up

If you share a part of who you are with the one you love you’ll feel closer than ever before. There’s nothing like guarding a secret together that’s bound tightly by the safe and protecting warmth of your love.

Make A Dedication

Want to really blow their mind? Comb through your iTunes collection for the one song that best expresses how you feel for them and request it on your local radio. Just be sure the deejay knows that this one goes out to your baby.

Mistakes Women Make in the Bedroom

Not Being Fresh

 

You don’t have to be fresh out the shower to hop in the sack with your lover, but you do need to freshen up first. This includes your breath. (No one’s a fan of garlic or onion breath.)

 Stopping in the Middle

Calling a timeout for no good reason is never a good idea unless you’re okay with being the ultimate mood killer.

Giving Too Many Instructions

To the left…no right..down there…wait, up here. Sound familiar? If this sounds like your usual routine, it’s time to change it up. Men want to know what you want but they’re looking for love not a lesson plan. Beware of being too controlling.

Being a Jokester

 

It can be instinctual to want to make a joke or giggle when you’re nervous, but doing so in bed can sometimes make things more awkward for him. Sex is fun, but not always a laughing matter.

Expecting Him to Do Everything

Sex is a two-person activity. If you’re not up for doing your part it can be a real turn off. Initiate what you want and take an active role in his pleasure.

Getting Too Physical

 

Unless he’s okayed it, you shouldn’t be in the business of leaving love marks on his body — especially not those that could leave a scar. (Back-scratching with long nails is what women are most guilty of.)

Naming Names

Admit it, you’ve probably already been there. Calling out his name can be the sexiest thing a man hears during sex, if it’s his name, of course. Don’t make a habit of screaming out a name during sex unless you’re certain you know what will come out of your mouth.

sex experiences you must try!

                                                           Make-up sex

 

For some reason make-up sex is amazing. You’re angry, you’re fired up and you’re passionate – then it’s all forgotten and you’re jumping under the covers. Make-up sex is great because when you fight your testosterone levels rise, which makes the sex much more aggressive and intense. To make the most of this post-argument loving pull at each other’s hair and breathe heavily. Ladies, if you’ve got nails run them down your guy’s backs. Guys, you can gently bite your girl’s necks. Make sure you do these things softly first and build the aggression up though.

                                              The stare game

Eye-locked lovers may make you want to barf, but bear with us guys – staring into each other’s eyes during sex can make your orgasms more powerful. Try to hold each other’s gaze for at least a minute, especially during the height of sex. This will make your orgasms more intense and you’ll feel intensely close to the other person. If you prefer rear entry positions then you can always put a mirror in the room and stare into one other’s eyes using the reflection. Ideally though, try to stick with face-to-face contact at least some of the time. 

                                                           Food sex

If you’re a neat freak you may find food sex hard work. Your sheets will get messy, you’ll have food in your hair and you may be finding evidence of your night of passion for a few weeks after. The point is though that you loosen up and have fun. Food is very sensuous and it is often described using sexual words. Get creative with your choices – use foods with different textures, different shapes and different smells. Cream works particularly well, but you may end up throwing out your bed linen because the smell is hard to disguise. 

                                                          Closet sex

Having sex in a tight space is novel, kinky and can be very, very hot. If you can handle the slightly claustrophobic environment and focus on the new angles you are forced to twist and curl into, then you’ll soon be turned on in a totally new way. The lack of space in a closet will mean that you have to try out new positions and the darkness and novelty of the situation will get you both really excited. Just remove anything of any value beforehand as it’s not an easy space to maneuver around in and accidents may happen

 

                                                         Morning sex

 

Want to get your day started in the best possible way? Then have sex before breakfast. Although mornings may not be your favourite time to get foxy, those love-struck couples who have sex first thing feel more upbeat and benefit from a stronger immune system. Also your sex will be better.  Most guys feel more turned on in the mornings because their testosterone levels are at their highest at night. You will also be well rested and will therefore have sex for longer and try out some more energetic positions.

 

                                                           Machine sex

We all know that a vibrator is a girl’s best friend, but vibrations are good for guys too. To turn the heat up in your love life pay a visit to your washing machine or tumble dryer. To begin, turn the machine on. Then the girl should bend over at a right angle over the machine, with her stomach and upper body lying flat over the top of the appliance. The guy then takes her from behind and kneels into the machine. The vibrations will rock through you both, bringing blood to those all important areas and making them much more sensitive.

                                                           Alfresco sex

There is a reason that whilst you read this 84,000 people are having sex outside; it’s incredible. You feel bad and so your adrenaline levels rise, which makes the sex frantic, frisky and fun. Remember though that although going alfresco can be spontaneous, it often isn’t as easy as it seems in the movies. Prepare a little and pack some useful props: a blanket, some tissues and a brush. Be careful too, you can get in trouble if you get caught so maybe opt for a safer option and get it on in your garden or balcony.

 

 

What is tantric sex?

We can guess what comes to mind when we say "tantric sex": Sting. Ever since the musician made a drunken comment to an interviewer about having tantric sex for hours with his wife, Trudie Styler, the specifics of the tantra have become a bit murky. But don't fret: To enjoy everything tantric sex has to offer, you don't have to purchase an Oriental rug, shave your head or even listen to The Police. 

 To get to the heart of what tantric sex actually means, we caught up with Mark Michaels and Patricia Johnson, authors of Great Sex Made Simple: Tantric Tips to Deepen Intimacy and Heighten Pleasure, who schooled us in the ways of the tantra — and how regular women (yep, that's you!) can get the most out of their sex lives using tantric techniques.

How Sting got it wrong

If you take away nothing else from this story, remember that the 5,000-year-old Eastern spiritual practice of tantric sex does not mean that you have to make love for hours. Instead, enlightenment and having a reverence for your partner that lasts beyond the length of any orgasm is at the core of the teachings, Michaels and Johnson say.

"It's funny that a comment Sting made over 20 years ago still has an enduring hold on the public's imagination," the couple says. "He's tried to explain it away or recant it in various ways. At one point, he said that he regretted making the statement and didn't really feel he could talk about the subject beyond saying that his wife, Trudy, is his church. That's much closer to what the spirit of tantric sex is all about."

"In the classical sexual ritual, the participants worship each other as embodiments of deities. We encourage people to bring an attitude of reverence into their lovemaking and to all their interactions. The tantric approach has far more to do with your mental approach than with technique. It's certainly got nothing to do with bragging about staying power."

But in tantric sex, you can feel pleasure longer...

"That said, prolonged lovemaking is part of the tradition," Michaels and Johnson say. "The tantrics of old recognized that orgasm can be a mystical experience, often the most readily accessible mystical experience of all. During orgasm, the mind goes quiet, and you may feel a sense of merger — be it with a partner or even with all that is.

For most of us, the transcendent potential in sex is something that's experienced only briefly, during the orgasm itself. If you extend arousal and focus on building it (this need not include genital intercourse), you may start to feel this sense of union well before you have an orgasm, and it is likely to last far longer than it would in more conventional lovemaking. So making it last is a means to an end, not an end in itself. If you can stay turned on for a half hour or so, you're likely to experience the altered state of consciousness we just described."

How to incorporate elements of tantric sex into your own bedroom:

Focus on your breathing and your (and your partner's) reaction to touch

"It's fairly common for people to check out during sex, to do things by rote and without a whole lot of reflection. Paying attention to what you're experiencing in your body, the way you are breathing and how your partner is responding are all very important," the couple says.

Take 60 minutes and give each other a massage — but no sex yet!

"Set aside an hour or so to give and receive full body massages (culminating with genital stimulation but not intercourse). Do this on different days. As with the kissing exercise, the role of the giver is to give as fully as possible, and the role of the receiver is simply to receive. Taking this activity out of the realm of foreplay and keeping the roles clearly defined may help you discover new sources of pleasure, and may also give you new insights into the way you interact with your partner both in and out of bed

Break a taboo by just talking about sex

"Many traditional tantric practices involved breaking cultural taboos, and there were many in medieval India," the couple says. "This was true both in the context of sexual ritual and more generally. In the simplest terms, the violation of these cultural norms had a liberating effect. Of course, we don't live in a society that has such clearly defined social rules, but we all have our own self-imposed limitations and our habitual ways of being, in lovemaking and more generally in life. If you can shed some of your inhibitions, you're likely to experience more pleasure. Talking frankly about sex is a big taboo for many, so for many, having frequent and explicit conversations about sex is a great first step."

Explore a personal sexual taboo together

"If you want to get a little bolder, you can identify a couple of personal taboos (you can also do this as a couple by identifying shared taboos), and then decide on one that you might be interested in breaking," Michaels and Johnson say. "Don't pick anything huge at first; it might just mean making love with the lights on or experimenting with light bondage, sensory deprivation or role-play. The purpose is to become more flexible and aware and to be less limited by preconceived ideas about yourself. Sometimes we deprive ourselves of a lot of pleasure by thinking, 'I'm not the kind of person who would enjoy that.'"

Sex Myths That Keep Women Single

Let’s face it. Whether you're having it or not, sex does play an integral role in the world of dating today. Once you become sexually active, you begin to operate on certain assumptions about what you feel others are doing sexually, what men do and don’t want and what you believe sustains a committed relationship.

No one knows this better than Human Behavior Expert Wendy Walsh, Ph.D., who believes wholeheartedly that what men and women today need most is to just slow things down. Walsh insists her beliefs are based purely on scientific research and economics – all of which she tackles in her upcoming new book, The 30-Day Love Detox: Cleanse Yourself of Bad Boys, Cheaters, and Commitment Phobes, which hits stands this spring. “It’s a much-needed prescription for slow love at a time when everything is fast,” says Walsh. “This book is empowering women and telling them about the amazing creatures and goddesses they are and the power they have. It’s not about pointing out all of the mistakes that they make.”

In the book, Walsh tackles the top 5 myths women operate on that, she believes, are still keeping them single. Intrigued, right? We were too. Grab your notebooks, as we ask Walsh to break it down for us.

The Hookup Culture Is Everywhere

These days, pretty much everyone’s having sex while dating, right? Wrong! “The hookup culture is more urban legend than reality,” says Walsh. A recent National Survey of Family Growth study showed one quarter of college students are virgins, she offers. “If you take that 25 percent off the market, and then you look at what’s left over, you have this belief that most people are having more sex than they are,” explains Walsh. “Men included! Since the perceptions exist, many women feel pressured to have sex well before they’re ready.”

Makes sense, right? But what about all of the women you know who speak openly and vividly about their sexual escapades? “It’s the talk that’s damaging, because it normalizes the practice,” insists Walsh. “These women engage in risky behavior because they think everyone is doing it.” Walsh offers an interesting analogy for what she feels is the “high supply sexual economy” we live in today: “I believe, when it comes to sex, there are two distinct dating markets: One ‘sells’ bulk sex at a low price, and that price could be the cost of a drink or a well worded sex, and the other sells sex to a very narrow market. And these are women who charge a high ‘price’ for sex, and that price can be love, attention, care or commitment. And, I like those ones.”

Sexual Chemistry Helps RelationshipsWhen women are debating casual sex, many will say sexual chemistry is an important deal breaker for them. But, does it really determine whether your relationship will thrive or fail? Walsh says no-way. “Many women believe that jumping into bed very early in a relationship is the best way to test sexual compatibility,” she says. “I’m sure that men created this myth! If this theory were true, the people who did not test their sexual chemistry before committing to each other would therefore have shorter less happy relationships.”

Walsh says a recent study she examined looked at 2,000 couples and when they committed to each other. The results showed that the better the sex early on, the worst the relationship outcomes later, and the more volatile those relationships were. “It’s because sex confuses the brain,” Walsh explains. “As soon as you get that rush of dopamine, you are not making good choices. You are not deciding if this is going to be a good partner for you, you are now diluted with feelings that he must be a good partner. Science says hot sex too early in a relationship is a prescription for disaster.”

Women Have Sexual ‘Needs’

Women have their sexual “needs,” just like men do, right? Wrong again! Walsh says wanting sex is less physical and more psychological where women are concerned because they have very different sexual needs than men. “We respond to sexual opportunity,” she explains. “When we see a cute guy that we like, everything sort of turns on for us. But when women breakup from a sexual relationship, they are less likely to replace it with pornography and masturbation like a guy would.”

For women, Walsh insists that feeling turned on by a man has an important psychological component. “It’s often an extension of their emotional need for companionship,” she explains. “Some research has found that women often desire to be desired, and that’s a whole lot different than a biological desire for any sex with anyone.” Still need more proof? Walsh compels you to ask yourself this, "Why haven't drug companies been able to come up with a drug that enhances a woman's sexual libido, only men's?" Touché.

Sex Leads to Love and Longevity

There are many important and valid reasons to wait to have sex with a man you deeply care for, but here’s one that’s often overshadowed: Good sex doesn’t make him care for you any more than he did before you do it! “Slightly more than half of women in their 20s believe that a sexual hookup can be a stepping stone to a serious relationship, but the research shows something entirely different,” says Walsh. “Having sex early on in a relationship, good or bad, is bad for the relationship. I found a study that showed that if you have sex within 30 days of meeting somebody, you have an 88 percent chance of breaking up within one year. Eighty-eight percent! But if you wait 31-90 days, you’ve got a one in four chance you’re going to be together a year later. Just like that, it rises 25 percent.”

We know what you’re thinking: What about the men who insist that intimacy will bring them closer to a woman? Are they full of it? Yes! “The more sexual partners a man has had, the more he perceives diminished attractiveness in each new mate,” says Walsh. “Therefore, sex does not lead to love for a man. If a guy is a player, sex leads to disdain for you, because he’s looking for something that doesn’t exist, and he thinks he’s going to find it by more sexual conquests. Men fall in love because of trust, not sex!”

Promiscuity Can Be Turned Off

Did you know that sleeping around now can and will create trouble for you when you decide to commit or marry? Real talk! Faithfulness is a learned behavior. “Many of the women I’ve spoke with told me that they’re just hooking up because they’re auditioning mates but they’re confident that when they commit they can be faithful,” reveals Walsh. “Again, the research doesn’t support this! These women are training their bodies to be future cheaters. We can train our body for almost anything. The only way to train for monogamy is either to abstain from sex, or be monogamous.”

Signs You're Too Bossy In Bed

Has the spark between you began to fizzle? It could be that you've made sex way more about you than him. That ends now! Here are eight signs you're being too bossy in bed and how to share the love.

You Put Your Fantasies First

If all the new experiences you’ve shared in bed are inspired by only your fantasies and not his, then you’re just not playing fair. You should want a starring role in his fantasy fun too. Solution: Role-playing marathon! Only, this time, let him be the director.

You Bring Work to Bed

When you bring your tech toys, like your laptop, iPad or smart phone, to bed, it sends a clear message his way: You’re not in the mood to play with him because you’d rather play with them. If he was hoping to have a little fun before bed time, this feels like an immediate shutdown. Solution: Institute a “no electronics in bed” rule immediately o avoid distractions taking center stage.

 

You Talk More than You Listen

 

Nothing kills the mood quite like an awkward conversation that comes out of nowhere. It’s okay to be distracted – it happens! – but try to avoid switching gears on him mid-moment to talk about “something that’s been on your mind.” Solution: Before you go there, ask yourself: Can the conversation wait until you’re both ready to have it? Your voice can and should be heard, but don't forget to stop and listen to what he wants too.

You Constantly Refuse His Special Requests

It’s important to always keep in mind that great sex requires effort on both your parts. If he’s telling you what turns him on and you repeatedly choose to ignore it, there’s no compromise there. Solution: The next time he hints that you slip into some sexy lingerie (see the new February issue of ESSENCE for suggestions) or wear your hair a certain way,  oblige him. It will only lead to more fun.

 

You're A Snob When It Comes to His Suggestions

The fastest way to disappoint your boo in bed is to enthusiastically ask him what he wants and then completely disregard it – especially by laughing or rolling your eyes. Solution: Be open to trying new things for him (like positions, toys, or locations) just as you’d want him to at least attempt to try “that new thing you read about the other day.”