Let’s face it. Whether you're having it or not, sex does play an
integral role in the world of dating today. Once you become sexually
active, you begin to operate on certain assumptions about what you feel
others are doing sexually, what men do and don’t want and what you
believe sustains a committed relationship.
No one knows this
better than Human Behavior Expert Wendy Walsh, Ph.D., who believes
wholeheartedly that what men and women today need most is to just slow
things down. Walsh insists her beliefs are based purely on scientific
research and economics – all of which she tackles in her upcoming new
book,
The 30-Day Love Detox: Cleanse Yourself of Bad Boys, Cheaters, and Commitment Phobes,
which hits stands this spring. “It’s a much-needed prescription for
slow love at a time when everything is fast,” says Walsh. “This book is
empowering women and telling them about the amazing creatures and
goddesses they are and the power they have. It’s not about pointing out
all of the mistakes that they make.”
In the book, Walsh tackles
the top 5 myths women operate on that, she believes, are still keeping
them single. Intrigued, right? We were too. Grab your notebooks, as we
ask Walsh to break it down for us.
The Hookup Culture Is Everywhere
These
days, pretty much everyone’s having sex while dating, right? Wrong!
“The hookup culture is more urban legend than reality,” says Walsh. A
recent National Survey of Family Growth study showed one quarter of
college students are virgins, she offers. “If you take that 25 percent
off the market, and then you look at what’s left over, you have this
belief that most people are having more sex than they are,” explains
Walsh. “Men included! Since the perceptions exist, many women feel
pressured to have sex well before they’re ready.”
Makes sense,
right? But what about all of the women you know who speak openly and
vividly about their sexual escapades? “It’s the talk that’s damaging,
because it normalizes the practice,” insists Walsh. “These women engage
in risky behavior because they think everyone is doing it.” Walsh offers
an interesting analogy for what she feels is the “high supply sexual
economy” we live in today: “I believe, when it comes to sex, there are
two distinct dating markets: One ‘sells’ bulk sex at a low price, and
that price could be the cost of a drink or a well worded sex, and the
other sells sex to a very narrow market. And these are women who charge a
high ‘price’ for sex, and that price can be love, attention, care or
commitment. And, I like those ones.”
Sexual Chemistry Helps Relationships
When
women are debating casual sex, many will say sexual chemistry is an
important deal breaker for them. But, does it really determine whether
your relationship will thrive or fail? Walsh says no-way. “Many women
believe that jumping into bed very early in a relationship is the best
way to test sexual compatibility,” she says. “I’m sure that men created
this myth! If this theory were true, the people who did not test their
sexual chemistry before committing to each other would therefore have
shorter less happy relationships.”
Walsh says a recent study she
examined looked at 2,000 couples and when they committed to each other.
The results showed that the better the sex early on, the worst the
relationship outcomes later, and the more volatile those relationships
were. “It’s because sex confuses the brain,” Walsh explains. “As soon as
you get that rush of dopamine, you are not making good choices. You are
not deciding if this is going to be a good partner for you, you are now
diluted with feelings that he must be a good partner. Science says hot
sex too early in a relationship is a prescription for disaster.”
Women Have Sexual ‘Needs’
Women
have their sexual “needs,” just like men do, right? Wrong again! Walsh
says wanting sex is less physical and more psychological where women are
concerned because they have very different sexual needs than men. “We
respond to sexual opportunity,” she explains. “When we see a cute guy
that we like, everything sort of turns on for us. But when women breakup
from a sexual relationship, they are less likely to replace it with
pornography and masturbation like a guy would.”
For women, Walsh
insists that feeling turned on by a man has an important psychological
component. “It’s often an extension of their emotional need for
companionship,” she explains. “Some research has found that women often
desire to be desired, and that’s a whole lot different than a biological
desire for any sex with anyone.” Still need more proof? Walsh compels
you to ask yourself this, "Why haven't drug companies been able to come
up with a drug that enhances a woman's sexual libido, only men's?"
Touché.
Myth 4: Sex Leads to Love and Longevity
There
are many important and valid reasons to wait to have sex with a man you
deeply care for, but here’s one that’s often overshadowed: Good sex
doesn’t make him care for you any more than he did before you do it!
“Slightly more than half of women in their 20s believe that a sexual
hookup can be a stepping stone to a serious relationship, but the
research shows something entirely different,” says Walsh. “Having sex
early on in a relationship, good or bad, is bad for the relationship. I
found a study that showed that if you have sex within 30 days of meeting
somebody, you have an 88 percent chance of breaking up within one year.
Eighty-eight percent! But if you wait 31-90 days, you’ve got a one in
four chance you’re going to be together a year later. Just like that, it
rises 25 percent.”
We know what you’re thinking: What about the
men who insist that intimacy will bring them closer to a woman? Are they
full of it? Yes! “The more sexual partners a man has had, the more he
perceives diminished attractiveness in each new mate,” says Walsh.
“Therefore, sex does not lead to love for a man. If a guy is a player,
sex leads to disdain for you, because he’s looking for something that
doesn’t exist, and he thinks he’s going to find it by more sexual
conquests. Men fall in love because of trust, not sex!”
Promiscuity Can Be Turned Off
Did
you know that sleeping around now can and will create trouble for you
when you decide to commit or marry? Real talk! Faithfulness is a learned
behavior. “Many of the women I’ve spoke with told me that they’re just
hooking up because they’re auditioning mates but they’re confident that
when they commit they can be faithful,” reveals Walsh. “Again, the
research doesn’t support this! These women are training their bodies to
be future cheaters. We can train our body for almost anything. The only
way to train for monogamy is either to abstain from sex, or be
monogamous.”
